Hesitation
by 9r7g5h
Summary: If only she had just hesitated before going for the kill.


**AN:** I rewatched The Debt, and I noticed that Xena actually hesitated for a few moments before Gabrielle revealed herself. What if she hadn't? What if Xena, sure she was killing the right person, had just struck? Yeah, terrifying thought, isn't it?

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Xena.

* * *

Lao Ma didn't mean for it to come to this, but in the end, it was her training that helped Xena get into the palace unseen.

It was easy, once you were aware of the world's will, to tap into it. Silence your mind, your spirit, your own will until it was almost, but not quite, gone, and the world opened up to you. Opened and let you take a peek inside, even if you couldn't yet touch. It was this trick Xena used- watching as the world's will shifted and bent before the soldier's purposeful strides as they made their rounds, only to reform into its normal, natural pace once they were gone. When they were gone was when she would move, sliding from shadow to shadow, concealing herself almost fully in the nooks and crannies when one came too close, listening to the world's will until he was gone.

If she had been as good at it as Lao Ma had been, she would have been able to identify the men- their hopes and dream, their pasts and their futures, everything about them that made them who they were, laid bare before her power-strengthened eyes. But as it was, all she could do was sense them and sense when they were gone.

She was almost glad. Sliding into Ming T'ien's bedroom, watching as the form beneath the covers shifted in sleep, she was glad she wasn't as strong as Lao Ma. Glad she didn't have to see the man she had helped to create, almost as much as if he was her own son. She had started him down this path, and she was glad she didn't have to relive it.

She was paying for her crimes enough- doing this, fulfilling the debt she still owed Lao Ma, had cost her everything. The bits and pieces of her humanity she had been able to collect over the years; the life of protection she had worked so hard to obtain; Gabrielle, who would probably want nothing to do with her, when this was all over. She was going to lose everything to pay back what Lao Ma had given her all those years ago.

Xena took a long, slow, deep breath, silent in her corner as she watched Ming T'ien, just glad she didn't have to relive the deeds she had done to make him the man he was today.

She only paused for a moment, getting her bearings of the room- where he was, where the nearest window was, what side of the castle she was on to make her escape from. Only a moment. She had spent the entire time on the ship, and every second not focused on keeping herself hidden, wondering if she really had to do this.

Did she really have to kill him? Did she really have to fulfill her debt this way?

But the time for contemplation had passed, and creeping towards the bed, watching him shift once again- a restless sleeper, a little fact she didn't know that she knew would stay with her forever now- she knew it had to be done. Lao Ma would have never sent for her unless it was the only way to bring Chin back from the edge Ming T'ien had pushed it to.

For a moment she considered hesitating, letting him sense her presence, letting him peek out from under the covers so he could see just who it was who was to be his end. A little bit of peace of mind, instead of endless wondering as he passed. For a moment she considered it.

She considered it and decided against it, her dagger raised and ready as she stood. No need to give him a chance to cry out, a chance to defend himself- just one, quick blow, and he would be done.

She struck, silently for once, her normal war cry having no purpose in this room. It wasn't a battle she was fighting, this wasn't some warlord who had declared himself her enemy and was coming at her with a sword. Like Gabrielle had said, this was murder. Pure, cold blooded murder to fulfill the request of a friend, and her normal cries were unneeded.

So with deadly silence she struck- her knife sunk through the rich silks like butter, tearing through them with barely a sound, only jolting silently when it hit flesh and bone, a jolt she pushed through to get it that much deeper before the cry could sound. It had to be a fatal wound before he could cry out, the sound on a moment's delay as his brain caught up with the pain, before his soldiers would come rushing in to safe him, one even his fine Chin doctors wouldn't be able to safe him from.

She pushed forward- but the cry that did come, that rang out from the form beneath the sheets that her knife was sticking out from wasn't his. It was too high, too feminine, too wrong to be his.

Cursing under her breath as the guards began to pour in, too many of them to fight, guilt began to wash over her as a few of them went to the woman under the covers, her knife still sticking out of her stomach- if they left it in until a doctor could get here, she might still live, though it was unlikely. She had struck to kill, and kill she most likely would. Whoever she was- probably his wife, a young, innocent woman he had taken to be the mother of his children- Xena prayed a quick prayer for her. She hadn't deserved to get caught up in this mess, whoever she was, and Xena would forever be haunted by that muffled cry of the innocent she had killed.

Half a dozen surrounded her, two grabbing her arms to hold her still. Not that she fought. With her first plan ruined, waiting for another chance to strike would be best, even if it did mean getting captured. She would break out later, find him, and end it then. For now, best to play it cool, even if the sharp, pained cries coming from the bed hurt her to hear (not as much as the still covered woman hurt, she was sure).

But her remorse was quickly cut short as Ming T'ien walked into the room, his eyes locked on hers, as if he didn't care for the wife she had left bleeding in the bed, the result starting to dye the blue sheets a deep, dark purple. One of the men had run to get a healer, she had seen that out of the corner of her eye; she hoped he got here soon, but most of her attention remained on the man coming to a halt before her.

Reaching out, he drew his finger along the line of her cheek, grimacing at the grime that came away, a look of disgust clear on his face as he took a good look at her. It soon faded, though, and was replaced with a smile- sending her instantly on her guard. A man like Ming T'ien smiling when his wife had just been assassinated in his place was no one to be relaxed around. He had something planned.

"I bet you're wondering, Xena," he said, his voice soft and pleasant. He almost sounded like Lao Ma, for a moment, though his words held none of the absolute peace hers had. "How I knew you would be coming. How I knew to leave my chambers this late after dark, how I knew to have my men surrounding these rooms…" Trailing off as the doctor came in, Ming T'ien turned to watch with a slight hint of interest as the doctor ordered the blankets cut away, one man's sword getting to work on destroying the previously beautiful covers, exposing the young woman's body. Dressed in green silken robes, her face and voice were still covered by the upper sheets, the sounds she made muffled and distorted- they would have remove them soon, if they didn't want her to suffocate. And then Xena would see her face, another to add to the long list of innocents she had killed. "How I knew everything, Xena. I bet you are wondering, aren't you?"

Xena was, her mind racing as she tried to put together something that would explain how he had known. She had been so careful. She had jumped off the side of the boat instead of disembarking with the other passengers, had buried her leathers and armor over two miles away from the castle so no one could see it and recognize her, had even been avoiding all human contact, just so she could have this element of surprise. How had he known?

"I knew," he said, seeing the question in her eyes, even though she kept the thoughts to herself, "because a little friend of yours told me. A little friend you just killed."

It was then, only then, that he stepped to the side and reached out for the sheets covering the woman's face. Shooting her a small, victorious grin, Ming T'ien pulled them away from the woman, exposing her face to the group around them.

For a single moment Xena froze, everything about her stilling- her mind, her soul, her will, her very heart freezing in absolute terror as she watched the doctor instruct the men assisting him to cut away the robe, exposing the knife wound to the air and light so he could see, could try to save the woman lying on the bed before him. It was bad, an almost fatal wound- Xena had missed the quickest way to kill, expecting a man in the bed and aiming for him instead of a shorter woman. But still, unless this doctor was a miracle worker, she would be dead soon.

Gabrielle, her face pale and wrenched in pain, screaming through her teeth as the doctor worked, her cries now recognizable without the mouthful of silk obstructing them, would be dead.

And it was all because of her.

Xena didn't care that this should have been impossible- Gabrielle should have been back in Greece by now, especially since she was supposed to be riding Argo, home with her family or with the Amazons, somewhere safe and far away from here. She was supposed to be waiting for Xena to return, whether to pass judgement and send her away or forgive her and let her stay, just in a place far from harm- that had been her request to Argo before she had left the horse with the bard, that the mare carry her away. This was supposed to be impossible, but Xena didn't care that it was, because obviously not.

Gabrielle was in pain, was dying, all because of her, and she needed to save her.

"Gabrielle," Xena said softly, easily pulling her arms from the men behind her- as if they could have overpowered her. When Gabrielle looked up and over at her, it was clear it took her a moment to realize who she was, the pain the only thing on Gabrielle's mind. But after a moment her gaze cleared, and Gabrielle mouthed her name, one hand reaching out for her.

Xena took a step forward, only to find a dozen swords at her throat, keeping her from the bed and her friend.

"My doctor will do everything he can to save her," Ming T'ien said, watching the proceedings with a mild interest- as if he didn't care whether or not Gabrielle died. "She did safe my life, and if he can, he will save hers. She has very particular requests, and if she lives, I'll send my men to collect you so we can discuss them. If she doesn't… well," he said after a moment's pause, "I'll have to plant a tree in my gardens to honor her. I might even let you see it before your execution. Take her away."

The last bit said to his soldiers, Ming T'ien turned and walked away.

But Xena didn't care. She didn't care about the man she had been called to kill, didn't care that she had failed, that he was leaving- she cared about the woman bleeding out on the bed.

"Gabrielle," Xena called again, this time a little louder. "Gabrielle, just give me a minute and I'll be there, ok? I'll fix this, don't worry. I-"

Gabrielle cried out as the doctor jerked the knife from her, the blood flow from the wound increasing as he did. The hand she had held out to Xena jerked back, tried to push him off of her, only to get slapped away as he worked.

Xena tried to duck beneath the wall of swords, tried to use her agility and speed to get to her, but there were too many. Too many to fight unarmed in this little space- the doctor might get hurt, or Gabrielle worse so, and she couldn't risk that, not when so much was on the line. But still she tried, tried to get to her, tried to close the gap between them so she could be with Gabrielle- only to find a sword pommel to the back of her head, knocking her to the floor.

"Gabrielle," Xena said hoarsely, trying to push herself up to at least look at her- only to find the men who had been assisting the doctor in her way, speaking the Chin language as, on the doctor's order, one lifted Gabrielle into his arms.

Her hand was handing limp from his hold, and when he turned to leave the room, his walk was slow and mournful.

"Gabrielle, wait, no-"

A boot to the head this time, sending her into darkness.

She wasn't out long- the throbbing in her head told her that, plus the still damp muck she had covered her skin with. Just long enough for them to remove her from the room, to get the giant wooden square locked around her neck, and get her next to a hole in the floor of another room. A few minutes, tops.

A few minutes she had been unconscious while Gabrielle was who knew where in who knew what condition, her life hanging by a thread.

"She's awake, boys," one of the guards said, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her to her feet, giving her no time to think. Pushing her forward, almost sending her falling down the hole, Xena staggered to a standstill and turned on her toes to face the men, her mind racing as she tried to figure out somehow, some way, to use the block around her neck to her advantage.

"Don't even try it," one of the men, the leader by the look of his clothes, said, stepping forward with his sword drawn. "I have orders to tell you that if you try to escape, your little friend, the one the doctor is working on? They'll let her die. Now, turn around and jump."

What else could she do? Xena knew Ming T'ien would follow through on his word in a heartbeat, letting Gabrielle die despite her saving his life. It was his way.

So Xena, without a word, turned around and let herself fall.

* * *

It was three days before they came for her. Three long, painful days of worry and anger, hatred and sorrow, confusion and despair.

Hitting the water hadn't been bad- while it had given her legs a good jarring, she had quickly found herself standing unharmed. Within moments she had examined the Tartarus hole she found herself in, picked out the people she would have to avoid, and even managed to claim a rock for herself, ensuring a semi-dry place to wait.

She hadn't thought she would need to wait long. It wasn't in Ming T'ien's nature to be patient, not from what she remembered, and she had been sure he would act quickly. But soon enough guards had shown up with the food rations- half molded bread, but still food when you picked around the green stuff- for the night, mockingly wishing them all a good night's rest.

She was thankful when word of what she had done got around. Though she protested their kindness, for how could she accept their thanks when she had failed, and hurt the one person she loved more than anything at the same time, she was still thankful when night fully fell to be mostly clothed. The chill of the water grew worse, the stone only sucked away the meager heat she could produce, and the mobile wooden stockade made it practically impossible to sleep. She managed it- restless, fitful that it was- and awoke prepared for Ming T'ien to call for her.

Except, again, he didn't. It was as if she no longer existed, now that she was in his cell, leaving her alone and to her thoughts.

Treacherous thoughts about Gabrielle, sending her stomach turning from the truth of them.

Gabrielle had betrayed her. Gabrielle had turned her over to Ming T'ien, had gone against her orders and her wishes and somehow come to Chin before her, putting herself at risk and ending with her life on the line. On the line because Xena had been the one to put her there.

Treacherous thoughts that pointed out, perhaps, a knife in the stomach was what traitors deserved. It was what they would have gotten in her army- why was this any different?

Treacherous thoughts she pushed away, refused to entertain, instead focusing on her worry, though it wasn't much better. Instead of feeling sick from her darkness, Xena felt sick from the blood on her hands, the blood she had scrubbed off those first few minutes but that she could still clearly see.

For three days she lived like this, three days until, finally, one of the guards called for her.

Ming T'ien was eating lunch when she arrived before him, his chopsticks settling on his plate after a few more bites. Wiping his face with a napkin, he turned and nodded at her- a strange, almost respectful gesture, despite the fact that it was clear he thought very little of her. Waving his hand, the guards released their grip on her elbows, allowing her to move her arms freely.

For a second she considered attacking, ending this now while she had the chance. But Gabrielle.

"You are lucky your friend is so short," Ming T'ien said slowly into the silence, measuring and weighing his every word to ensure none of them were found wanting before he spoke. "What would have been an instantly fatal wound for someone taller, such as myself, was badly placed for someone of her size. She is badly injured, she might still die, but for now there is hope, so very slim as it might be."

Xena almost bowed before him then and there- the disappointment, the anger, the small sliver of hatred could never stand against the blow of relief the news gave her.

"During her conscious moments," Ming T'ien continued, "she has been asking for you. Before you arrived, the two of us talked. If she can convince you to swear upon everything that you will never return to Chin, will never be a threat to my life again, then you were to be set free. But I know you, Xena, even better than your friend does." Taking a sip of tea, Ming T'ien sighed, watching her.

Xena knew her face had tightened, gone expressionless, answering the unspoken question. While one of them lived, they would always be a threat to the other.

"Gabrielle has been asking for you," he said again. "I have half a mind to refuse her- while it would pain me to refuse a dying woman her last request, it would hurt you more for her to pass without seeing her." A small, cruel smile crossed his face as he spoke- one similar to the one she had worn once, occasionally still did when the darkness within her was strong enough.

Xena remained still, keeping her face calm and closed off, but she couldn't stop the couple of tears that rolled down her cheeks, cutting through the remaining grime, leaving her clearly striped.

"But she did save my life," Ming T'ien said a moment later, his look smug as he examined her face. "So I will grant her her request. Guards," he said, motioning the men forward. "Take her to the room. When their good byes are done, return her to the pit to await her execution."

Xena didn't try to struggle as the men grabbed her, leading her away from Ming T'ien and towards the far door. She almost led them herself, desperate to get to Gabrielle's side, a little bit of hope she couldn't bring herself to destroy that Gabrielle would be okay rising in her chest.

It sunk the moment the door opened and she saw Gabrielle for herself.

She was pale, her normal rosiness gone, a clear sign of too much blood lost. Her hair laid flat against her skin, matted from fever-driven sweats. Her side had been sewn up, herbs packed into the wound and under the skin to ward off infection, but it didn't look as if they were to be any use. Gabrielle was burning up from the inside out, and it was all Xena's fault.

She was still conscious, though, somehow, and when the guards closed the door behind them and took off Xena's neckwear, her eyes fluttered open. It took her a few minutes, a while of looking around confused, her gaze glazed, but eventually she found her, her eyes locking onto her and steadying. Tears welling up in her eyes, Gabrielle held out her hand- which Xena took, raising her knuckles to her lips to press a quick kiss against them.

"I'm so sorry, Xena," Gabrielle whispered, her voice hoarse from the pain. "I thought, if I stopped you, I could convince them to let us go home. I'm sorry. I didn't understand what he was. I'm sorry."

"What did he do to you," Xena asked lowly, panic flooding her at Gabrielle's words. For her to have admitted that Xena might be justified in killing someone she had once perceived as an innocent… Xena began to scan what she could see of Gabrielle's body, looking for whatever extra wound he had caused to help this change of mind.

"The doctor," Gabrielle began, having to stop after a moment to swallow thickly. Glancing around, Xena found a cup of water that she lifted to Gabrielle's lips, slowly pouring a little bit at a time in. "The doctor saved me," she said once her thirst had been slated. "But not for long."

"Not for long," Xena repeated, her tone almost a question, despite knowing exactly what it meant. It was she who had wielded the knife, she who had led it to its destination- with all the practice she had had, how could she not have given a killing wound, even to Gabrielle?

"Ming T'ien had him executed in front of me," Gabrielle said, reaching out with her other hand to gently touch Xena's face, smoothing her fingers over the worry lines until they had relaxed. "I'm so sorry, Xena. I should have trusted you. And because I didn't, we're both going to die."

"Hey, hey, hey," Xena said, her hand smoothing back Gabrielle's bangs, wincing as she felt how hot the bard was, though she pushed those thoughts away. "It's ok. You didn't understand why I had to come. I only gave you half the story, Gabrielle."

"Tell me the other half?"

Xena didn't want to, not with the guards behind them, listening to their every word, but she did. She launched herself back into the story of her past, explaining the debt she had come here to pay. She had to pause, every now and then, to help Gabrielle with something- to help her drink, to help her eat the small amount of broth the doctor's assistant- now the actual doctor- brought, help her sit up just enough to let the assistant change the bandage (Xena almost breathed a sigh of relief to see the closed up wound- the stiches were neat, would leave a clean scar, and while the wound itself was ugly, there was no sign of infection. Which meant the fever was a reaction to the medicines, a not normal and worrying reaction, but she was still breathing and that was all that mattered. The hope was slim, almost nonexistent, but there was hope for her yet). But still Xena told her the story, explaining how their current world had come to be set up, all those years ago.

Gabrielle was barely awake by the time she was finished, the latest potion the doctor (to help her sleep and continue fighting off infection) had given her finally taking affect. Her grip was still strong, though, when she reached out her hand for Xena's, giving her another burst of hope.

She had seen so much to hope for, but even more that took it away. Her heart was heavy as she leaned forward to kiss Gabrielle on the forehead.

"Do you think we'll ever see home again," Gabrielle asked, her words slurred together in sleep, only audible to Xena because she knew what to listen for from Gabrielle's dream talking. "Do you think they'll let us be buried together?"

"Maybe," Xena said, kissing her forehead again, trying to ignore the heat rolling from Gabrielle skin. "Maybe."

As the guards returned her wooden collar to her, Xena knew the answer. It was no to both, but she didn't have it in her heart to say that. So she left it at maybe, and left Gabrielle to heal.

* * *

For another week she stayed in that pit, keeping time with the slight slivers of sunlight that reached them and the dismal meals brought three times a day, a single piece of mostly inedible bread her sustenance. She waited and she thought and she meditated and she prayed, prayed to every god and goddess she hadn't yet pissed off who might be listening, for them to help Gabrielle.

She waited for a week. And at the end of that week, a guard finally called for her.

And all she received were seven words that meant the end of everything.

"She's gone. Your execution is at dawn."

At least Ming T'ien wasn't making her wait long to join her.

* * *

"I want it known," Ming T'ien said as the guards dragged Xena into the room, the hoard of noblemen and women watching her with interest. Many had heard about the wild woman who had helped their king to his greatness with her ruthlessness, how her murdering of his father had given him his kingdom at such a young age. "That I am not a cruel man," he continued, his voice low and slow. "Gabrielle of Poteidaia saved my life at great cost to her own. She passed of her wounds yesterday night, leaving one less good soul in the world. For some reason unknown to me, even as she died, she asked after Xena, the one we shall execute momentarily. I was unable to fulfill her final request of seeing her, one last time. That, I regret."

It was clear his words were just that- words. There was no regret in his voice, none of the sorrow or pain Xena could feel just under her skin, emotions she was forcing down so she could meet her end without giving Ming T'ien the pleasure of knowing just how destroyed she was.

It was hard though. Gabrielle had wanted her, and she hadn't gotten to say goodbye.

"So," Ming T'ien said after his moment of silence, "I will fulfill her last request now."

Xena had to physically bite her tongue to keep herself from crying out as the door behind him opened and a guard came in, cradling Gabrielle to his chest.

They had cleaned her body, washed her hair, redressed her in the finest of green and purple silks- had she been alive she would have been splendid. But carried like a child, her head bouncing listlessly with every step the guard took, she was so _tiny_. Gabrielle had always been small, a small ball of fury when you got her started, but she had never been so tiny.

Xena couldn't help the tears that rolled down her cheek, couldn't help the hiccupping sob that broke free from her lips, couldn't help almost falling to her knees as Gabrielle was placed on the table that had been set up before Ming T'ien, her body arranged into an almost sleeping pose to showcase her.

"Xena, the accused standing before us today, guilty of attempting murder on my life and successfully killing Gabrielle, was loved by her. I could not bring Xena to her before she perished, but I brought her to Xena before she did. I am not a cruel man," Ming T'ien said again, though his every action said otherwise. Fixing his gaze on Xena, he gestured to the body. "You may say your goodbyes before I send you to see her on the other side. Though I believe, from what I understand of your culture and your afterlife, the chances of you doing so are quite small."

With a wave of his hand, the guard who had been escorting her removed the wooden collar from her neck, allowing her to straighten and roll out the kinks that had worked themselves in over the last week. She hesitated, just for a moment, to see if it was a trick- as if she would trust Ming T'ien to let her say goodbye. But when it seemed like things were clear, Xena closed the distance between herself and the table, only fully dropping her guard when she stood right next to it and looked down.

She didn't say a word. All she did was lean down and brush her lips over Gabrielle's, a gentle ghost of the touches they had shared in the past and would have shared in the future, had she just hesitated. Silently promising that they'd see each other soon, that she'd be doubly damned if she let a little thing like her place in the afterlife keep them apart, Xena stood and waited her execution.

It wasn't long before she was strapped to the table, the metal and leather cuffs biting into her skin as the executioner prepared his weapons. It wasn't long before the crowd drew close, eager to see her blood spilt over the already stained wood. It wasn't long before Ming T'ien himself leaned as far forward in his chair as he could, the cruel pleasure he could get by seeing her die a delight to him, taunting her with his knowledge of who his mother had been.

Wasn't long before she closed her eyes and waited for the end.

 _No._

The knives rose up against their master, slitting his throat, sending the nobles who had been so eager to watch her die scurrying for safety, fighting each other to be the first one out. Her bonds popped open, metal rusting and leather drying far beyond its age, crumbling to dust around her wrists. Sitting up, finally feeling the ebb and flow of the world around her, finally felt it as Lao Ma had once tried to teach her to, Xena slid from the table and stood, her will calm and still as she let the world lead her.

Let the will of the world lead her to Gabrielle, for it was the world's will that she live. Or perhaps it was her own, mixing with the world's and leaning it towards there. Either way, Xena didn't know, didn't care, couldn't fight it even if she had wanted to- running her hands down Gabrielle's side, she felt the wound heal, felt the tissue knit back together, the blood begin to flow, the heart she cared for so dearly begin to beat. Felt it as Gabrielle took her first, calm breath, returning back into the world of the living.

Watched as she sat up on her own, dazed and confused but pulling herself together.

Gabrielle seen to, Xena turned on the castle, sending half of it toppling with a few flicks of her wrists, the awesome power coursing through her steadying her aim as she brought the destruction the kingdom of Chin needed to make the Green Dragon small again.

"You've lost, Ming T'ien," Xena said, reaching out to steady Gabrielle as she slid from the table, her legs unsteady as she reacquainted herself with life. "You've lost."

"Perhaps," he said with a nod. "But I don't believe you've won."

He did nothing as Xena led Gabrielle from the hall, their arms tight around each other as they walked, both leaning on the other for support. They said nothing as they left- what was there to say when you'd just come back to life, or when you had just destroyed an entire palace as easily as swatting a fly?

All Xena did was wince as, guided by her a subtle movement of her hand, the hairpin sunk into his skull, leaving him dead at their backs as they left.

This time she struck without hesitation, sure in the fact she was getting this one right.


End file.
